It’s only the first week of school and things are already getting hectic, balancing classes and field work. It looks like I’ll be graduating in a year. Dan said he’s making me co-author on one of his papers/presentations, which means I’ll be a published researcher. I met a guy named Albin who’s young and incredibly sweet and everything I needed in the evening, but despite the fact that we’ve hung out since that one evening, and he lent be one of his comics, he’s been MIA, which is disappointing. Heroes and the L Word are my current show obsessions. My plan to go out alone more is going out well, and has actually resulted in me meeting people. I’m also working on “being chased” and that’s not going so well; it takes pursuers to chase me & no one is interested, which is really fucking up my self-esteem. Contrary to that statement, Chad Goddard Google-stalked me & found me on Vimeo…that’s just gross. I’m settled into my place (completely) and really like how I’ve set it up; organizing & cleaning have become my regular pasttimes. Oh! And I’m working in quitting smoking & I’m down to 1.5 cigs a day–yay!

That covers the basics.

1. My mother is driving m crazy–it’s amazing how clueless and out of touch with reality she is despite the fact that her job is to help people get their lives together.

2. I’ve had enough of church and I think I’m boycotting “Christ”mas altogether. I’m really just in it for the family time. The objects mean little and the Jesus part means nothing.

3. Hot farmer; hot preacher. But once again, I don’t believe God sent Jesus to die on the cross for my sins, so that pretty much shuts the hot preacher door.

4. So many people are stuck having holiday pity party because they lost someone who usually have during the holidays. They can’t see beyond the pain and can’t bring themselves to accept the people who are here now, wanting to spend time with them so they won’t feel alone. It’s sad and disappointing. Kate. Jenny.

4.5. Oh, Sleeping Bag, Sean, and Jessica have a place together now, with to children in tow. What. The. Fuck.

5. I wrote a lot about Coleeta around this time last year. Jason and I broke up and she ran off to Key West to be with Anna. I had a dream about her last night that pretty much summed up everything: I told her I couldn’t do this anymore because I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, she got excited and started to say the same, but was interrupted and, so it never came out. I went to the bathroom and upon my return I had to search for her, and found her getting a piggyback ride from her ex.

6. Still fighting urges to call Jason. It hasn’t happened, so well done.

Mostly, I’m ready for my life to resume. This break has not been fruitful. Maybe I’ll get some cool stuff later on today.

I wonder how long it will take for me to stop seeing couples forming everywhere.

Not bad. The remainder of my grooming will occur after I return from my field work. I’m bringing a whole new meaning to hairy vetch.

In the good news department, I received the fellowship I’ve been waiting to hear about. And they gave me an additional $2K. Free tuition for spring & summer! Yayz! Now I don’t feel so bad about spending so much money on groceries yesterday.

I also decided to bust out my shitty old lo-tops. Almost ten years old and still going strong…sort of.

1. Last night I decided to watch Boys Don’t Cry for the first time. Wow…what a bad movie to watch before going to bed. It was good up until the end and then it was like watching a dog trying to cross a busy highway. Lot’s of cringing and hoping. And relating. Still, it was good in its entirety and definitely worth watching.

2. As a result of going to sleep right after I watched the movie, I ended up dreaming about it, except I was playing the role of Brandon and instead of getting assaulted and raped, I kicked their asses with a vengeance I’ve never experienced before. And I still got Chloe Sevigny to fall in love with me. Typically, I feel restrained and weak in my dreams. I try to scream for help, but can’t; try to fight, but my arms are like lead. Last night everything was different. I fought three people, slamming heads against tables, kneeing them in stomachs, and putting everything I had into each blow until the weight of my arms became nonexistent and I moved with ease. It was the first time I had ever fought back in my dreams and I won

3. The fighting component of my dream may also be influenced by the fact that I’m fighting a cold. Vitamins, nutrients, and liquids…oh my! I got sick almost two months ago and have been anal about washing my hands and not putting things in my mouth or eyes since then, yet here I am with a stuffy, runny nose (how the hell does that happen?!) once again. So this time I’m trying to one-up the pathogens and boost my body’s defense. Mostly, it’s a mental game.

4. Speaking of mental games, I’ve been stuck on this concept of male energy (Thanks, Dana) as well as Millionaire Matchmaker. And I’ve come to the realization that it’s not as simple as me being “mannish”–as my mother likes to call me. My male energy is tied into a strong, dominant, guarded, independent persona that I have which can already be intimidating. And the fact that I like hanging out with guys and kinda being “one of the guys” probably turns men off. Guys don’t want to compete for machismo with the woman they’re interested in. So this all leads back to me allowing myself to be more vulnerable and to lower the guard. And that’s a really scary concept because I’m tired of being hurt and disappointed; and I feel like I’ve earned my keep and deserve to find someone who will treat me well. I’m done with the Eric fantasy. I’m done pursuing altogether. Slowly, I’m trying to believe that I’m not going to end up alone, just because I stop chasing them.

EDIT: Just read this post and it’s awesome. I really have issues tackling number three.

So that’s my bit for the day. My last exam in a few hours and then I’m done with school for the semester–whoo! Wonder what I’m going to do with all the free time….

In the tone of irony, Oscar raved on and on about my video (apparently), prompting Jason to email me to say that he would like to “check it out”.

Talk about unexpected.

I’ve also a decided a few things in this process:
1. Coleeta is like Bella and I am like Jacob. Jacob is a fucking idiot that keeps clinging on to Bella and I’m no idiot.
2. My brother is awesome! He’s really come into his own and I’m so proud of him.
3. My family is crazy and ridiculous and annoying and awesome.
4. The connections that matter always last, no matter what.
5. I’m flipping a coin for Eric in 3 days.
6. Goodnight bowls inhibit my dreams and I’m missing out on lessons, so no more pot before bed.

Oh, and I also made this:http://vimeo.com/32755528

And it confirmed everything.

We weren’t becoming good friends like I thought. The mornings we spent in bed talking about intimate details of our life meant nothing (or meant so little that doing away with them was of no consequence). You told me so many personal things, but not the fact that there was a woman you were interested in, enough to date. Did you think I would care? Or be offended? And I hate to make blanket statements like this, but that type of deception is something I’ve encountered with every other Gemini, why would I think that you’d be different?

If there was nothing romantic between us, why did the situation occur the way it did? If we really were just friends, why have you pushed me out? I call bullshit on all of it.

It makes me sad, that’s all. I thought we were buddies.

On the upside of the situation, I figured you out early on. Your personality mimics a combination of Seth and Sean: charismatic & fun, but emotionally dangerous. And if you were anywhere near as good looking as either of them, I would’ve pursued you as more than a friend (and then I really would’ve been in trouble). So trust me, I will not be making the same mistakes with you again.

Boom. That’s right. I made that.

And came up with an awesome line in the accompanying paper, “With water being one of the planet’s most precious resources, teaching children about water resources is critical to everyone’s future, for the children of today are the decision-makers of tomorrow.”

One project down, one to go.

Thank you for hugging me when you saw me Friday, even though we’ve never really spoken before. I promise to be less awkward the next time I see you. And thank you for helping me realize that you are in my league.